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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29254827">Starboard Observation</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/happychica/pseuds/happychica'>happychica</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>A Crystal Hewn From Stone [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Confessions, First Kiss, Innuendo, Kissing, M/M, Starboard Observation Deck, the mildest of angst</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 12:08:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,706</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29254827</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/happychica/pseuds/happychica</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>With Kaidan back on the Normandy, Shepard finally has his crew back together.  But if Kaidan's going to stay, there's something John really should tell him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>A Crystal Hewn From Stone [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2148366</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>52</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Starboard Observation</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Set during ME3, during the Rannoch missions.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had been ten minutes since John started pacing.  He had every intention of going in, of going through with it this time.  He just…couldn’t.  Every time he tried, his nerves failed him.</p><p>Stopping just short of triggering the door, John studied the access port to the Starboard Observation Deck.  He’d been through it dozens of times, for all sorts of reasons.  He’d spent more than a few hours in there, discussing books with Kasumi and listening to her talk about her heists.</p><p>He’d spent almost as much time recently, sitting and listening to someone else…</p><p>Sgt Michaels walked past, oblivious to the world as he completed his usual laps.  “Hey, Commander.”</p><p>John gave a short wave.  Squashing the urge to feel embarrassed, John walked forward, the door hissing open as he strode in.</p><p>Kaidan looked up from his datapad.  “Hey, Shepard.”  He looked surprised, but not displeased.  “Good timing; I could use a break.”</p><p>John felt the nerves flare back to life.  He’d waited so long for that voice to sound pleased with him, again.</p><p>He’d understood the anger on Horizon, the wariness on Mars.  He hadn’t held it against Kaidan for needing time to think about the war and the Spectre nomination and his students.  John had thought he might drop his gun at the sight of Kaidan, in danger yet again from Cerberus and their machinations, barely able to hear Udina’s nonsense over his own heartbeat.</p><p>But Kaidan had come to see him.  Had asked, humble as John remembered, if he could come back.  Promised he didn’t doubt John or his story, nor ever would again.  There’d been the teasing and the hazing and a few hints of judgement from the others, but Kaidan was as much a part of the crew as he’d ever been.</p><p>Finally, John had them all back.</p><p>And now, now he was going to open his big mouth and risk all of it.</p><p>“Shepard?”</p><p>John twitched, realizing he hadn’t spoken.  “Uh…just came by to see how you were doing.”</p><p>Kaidan gave him a quizzical look.  “You sure?”</p><p>John forced the feeling back into his legs, walking over to the couch.  “Yup.”</p><p>Kaidan looked unconvinced but shifted over to make space.  “Really?  ‘Cause it feels like you’ve been avoiding me.”</p><p>“Avoiding you?”  Had he been?</p><p>Kaidan set the datapad on the floor with the others.  “Since you got back from rescuing Zaal’Koris.”  Kaidan gave him a self-conscious grin.  “You’ve come by once.  If I need to talk, I have to hunt you down in the CIC these days.”</p><p>Apparently, working up his nerve had not been a subtle thing after all.  It would certainly explain the knowing glances from Liara.  “I didn’t realize.”  John gave an apologetic smile.  “Sorry about that.”</p><p>Kaidan was looking serious.  “Shepard…did I do something?”  He held up a hand to stop John’s denial.  “I know I missed a lot, and I don’t expect everything to be like before, but if I’m not pulling my weight or if I’m making people uncomfortable, you know you can just…tell me.”</p><p>“You’re not making anyone uncomfortable.”</p><p>“Says the man who’s been avoiding me.”</p><p>John sighed and rubbed his hands along his thighs in agitation.  He thought he might throw up for the first time since he’d joined the Alliance.  “It’s…I…”  He cleared his throat and turned to face Kaidan, making himself look the man full in the face.  If this was the last time he got to speak to Kaidan, he’d be damned if he wasted a second looking at the floor.  “We need to talk.”</p><p>“Uh-oh.”  Kaidan tried for humor.  “Not a great opening.”</p><p>John swallowed against the lump in his throat.  “You’re always welcome on this ship.  You did nothing and the others would never think less of you for this.”  John tried not to let the cold settling in his gut get to him.  “You’re a great soldier, and incredibly deserving of your Spectre status, and if you want to transfer, I’ll give you the best damn recommendation I can.”</p><p>Kaidan had gone a little pale.  “Why –“</p><p>John held up his hand.  “Just…let me say it.”  He took a deep breath, holding it for a second, stalling one last time.  “I love you.”</p><p>Kaidan stared at him.</p><p>Taking another breath, John continued.  “I don’t expect anything for it, and I promise, I won’t treat you different than the others.  You’re too good a soldier to ruin with preferential treatment.”  He surprised himself with a shaky smile, but it didn’t last.  “But it’s naïve to think it might not bother you, having a CO who…who felt that way, so if you…” the words stuck in his throat, “if you want to go, Hackett will give you any post you want.”</p><p>Kaidan still hadn’t moved, which meant he still hadn’t stormed out, either.</p><p>The words tumbled out of him, impulsive now.  “This isn’t a new feeling.  I was pretty sure back on the SR1.  I…I didn’t know how to tell you, after we lost Ash.”  John rubbed his arm, gaze drifting to the couch.  “I thought you’d doubt my decision on Virmire.  That you’d think I chose you and not the bomb.  Which would be a dick thing to say,” John flicked his attention back to Kaidan’s face, “because Ash was my friend, too, and those Salarians didn’t deserve to die any more than she did.”</p><p>“Shepard…”</p><p>“But I didn’t say anything,” John plunged ahead, “and when I thought I’d try again, the damn Collectors blew up my ship!”</p><p>Something in Kaidan’s posture had changed, but John’s nerve was failing him.  He let himself return to staring at the couch he went on.</p><p>“Somehow, I lived, but I’d lost all that time, and you all…you all kept on living.  Without me.”  His laugh held a melancholy edge.  “That sounds so vain, as if it mattered what happened to me.  But I came back, and I was scared and alone, and you all had these impressive lives.”</p><p>John snapped his mouth shut.  This wasn’t why he’d come down here.  Kaidan didn’t care about his sad little feelings.  He deserved to know how John felt so he could make an informed decision about his career.</p><p>Swallowing, John looked back at his friend, at the man he loved.  “Anyway, things happened and you’re here now.  And I want you here.”  He wanted to touch Kaidan, to drape an arm around his shoulder or bump him in jest while the other man tried to drink his morning coffee.  “You’re a good soldier and this crew has a mission of utmost importance.  You’re a valuable asset,” John tried for a grin, “and you’ll never get better access to resources, Spectre or not.”  The grin faded.  “But I understand completely if you want to go.”</p><p>Kaidan watched him.  It occurred to John that he might actually have been waiting for his CO to finish; Kaidan had always been so damn polite.</p><p>John opened his mouth to say something, to give permission, to ask for his resignation, but Kaidan moved, pushing himself off the couch.  John thought he’d leave, but the biotic only stepped closer.</p><p>“Kaidan?”</p><p>Kaidan pushed him back against the couch.  Straddling his lap, he took John’s face in his hands, tilted his chin up, and kissed him.</p><p>It took a moment for John’s mind to unfreeze.  He’d wanted this, ever since some young lieutenant grinned at him over a cup of nasty Alliance coffee and told him he was an ass for calling it such.  All those shy smiles and ducked compliments and that endearing, straight-forward personality.</p><p>He felt Kaidan pull back, just far enough to kiss him again.</p><p>John’s hands skimmed the outside of Kaidan’s thighs, trailing up to his waist as John finally kissed back.  He could feel Kaidan’s smile against his as he responded.  John gripped Kaidan’s waist as his lips parted, gasps that turned to breathy laughs as Kaidan’s mouth moved over his, enthusiastic and focused and better than any daydream.</p><p>When Kaidan finally sat back, the biggest grin lit his face, cheeks flushed and eyes bright.  “I love you, too.”  He laughed, self-effacing.  “In case that wasn’t clear.”</p><p>“I got that.”  John slid his hands back down, fingers digging gently into the muscle underneath them.</p><p>Kaidan hummed, low in his throat, as he ran his thumbs over John’s cheekbones.  “I wasn’t too subtle?  Didn’t bury it under a mountain of false leads?”</p><p>John’s hands stilled.  “You could have been angry.”  He watched Kaidan for any sign of hesitation or regret.  “You could have thought all sorts of things.”</p><p>Kaidan leaned forward and kissed him again, slow and languid this time.  When he’d made his point, Kaidan pressed his forehead to John’s, keeping his eyes closed.  “I said I would always trust you.”  Pulling back just enough, Kaidan held John’s gaze.  “Even if I hadn’t felt the same, I still wouldn’t have thought all those terrible things.”  His smile was small and kind.  “And I certainly wouldn’t have left.”</p><p>“I’d hoped, but…”  John exhaled.  “We were friends, and I’ve missed my friend.”  He laughed.  “I miss Ash’s insistence on first names.”</p><p>Kaidan cocked his head.  “You said John was your real name; you just picked ‘Shepard’ because the Alliance forms needed a surname.”  He grinned at the memory.  “Ash was over the moon that our CO technically lied on every form he signed.”  In the next breath, Kaidan looked unsure.  “Can I…call you John?”</p><p>John grinned, reaching up to slide the fingers of one hand through Kaidan’s thick, dark hair.  “You’d better.”  The other hand traced a pattern over Kaidan’s thigh; he reveled in that brilliant smile and the way Kaidan tilted his head into his touch.  “We’ll still never get the rest of the crew to do it, though.  ’Commander Shepard’, like they think I bite.”</p><p>“Do you?”  Kaidan was watching his fingers trace the blue camo, tone light.  “Bite?”</p><p>John’s hand stilled.  “If you want me to.”</p><p>Kaidan looked at him from under dark lashes.  “Guess I’ll find out.  Later, though.”  Leaning back in, Kaidan pressed a kiss against parted lips, his voice low and full of promise.  “You’re a little busy right now, John.”</p>
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